Great news

Bet you thought it was about me! No, it isn't - that front is quite bleak for me. However, Mary is moving up on a fast track at Whole Foods. She will be on a program for a leadership type position there. That is awesome news. Not too surprising to me. She has always been an incredible worker and very dependible. It's cool that they recognize it this soon. Also, Katrina has finally got a job working at Subway near our house. She should be starting soon. So, those things are really good for them. For me, things have been a bit discouraging the last couple days - until God reminded me again of Joshua 1:9: "do not be discouraged for I am the Lord your God...". Ok, I will hang in there.

Tomorrow night I am going to be playing at CCC again. It is at Celebrate the Journey. To be honest, the catalyst for doing it centered upon making a DVD of me worship leading. Some churches need that. Incredible that in 10 years of playing at CCC I have no video of me worship leading! Plenty of me just playing guitar but something more is needed for the video.

But I have come to learn more since deciding to do it. I think I have come to a sort of peace with some things. I am still upset about what happened but there was something I realized a little while ago. I think that this is something important so bear with me. I am not certain yet if a position at another church is for me. I will look. However, when I was working at CCC, it wasn't about the job. It was about serving. Serving the community. Would a job at another church be just a fun job? I don't know. After these last few weeks, seeing how so many people would come together to see about helping my family and myself, I know that the community of Christ followers that we all are is much bigger than the institution of the church. If CCC were to close its doors tomorrow, I think that most in the community would remain in tact in one way or another - remain together watching everyone's back, helping, serving and loving God and people. Kind of like in Acts 2:42-47. So many out here in Romeoville are like our family to us. I need to continue to serve. It is what God would want me to do. He gave me these gifts, I need to use them. Give back to all those who have given to us. When I go to the Sunday service and look at all the faces out there, I realize that I need to continue the mission God gave me. Now, I still don't know where things will end up. However, I do know that in the here and now, I know part of what I must do. So, although I do need to video tomorrow, I think that the bigger thing is to just get back into doing what I do best. Not to mention I need to stay in practice - just in case God does send me to some other church! So, if things go well tomorrow, I might get back on the schedule at Romeoville. It still might be hard, but I know that is what He wants me to do right now. He has used me and my gift of music to reach so many people, how can I stop doing that? Another soul can be touched. That means a lot.

Another thing that I will get back to is helping and working on the new artists website for Romeoville. I had lunch with Bryan today and I think that I will get on that as soon as possible. I mean, come on, there were so many months working stuff out on that site that I need to see it through! I hate leaving things halfway done! So I am going to be back. The only thing that would stop me is another church job.

One last thing, I did say that I understood about what the community was about. No, that isn't entirely accurate. I can say that I feel what it is about. Really deep in my heart. And that is an encouraging thought...

Aardvark

I'm getting restless. I knew it would eventually come to this. Going through the days without being as productive as I would like is tough. I wonder how people retire and then do nothing afterwards. Little wonder that statistics aren't great for the lifespan of those kind of people. We all need to have a purpose and to be productive in life. You can be unemployed and find some things to do, as I have. But having no kind of regular work is driving me nuts. Today I sent out a bunch of resumes out - all kinds: from a few churches to piping companies and general contractors. I will continue tomorrow and Monday. I can't help but feel that the next thing won't come directly from those sources but you never know.

I still sometimes miss doing what I used to do. Can't do much about the past though. Something better truly must be on the horizon - now, if only I can get to the horizon!

I did clean out my studio room. It was long overdue. Amazing how crap always seems to find it's way into a room. I mean, this room is quite isolated from the rest of the house, yet dirt, dust, etc. just knows where to go! I did listen to a couple more LP's: UFO-Live and Ted Nugent's Cat Scratch Fever. It passed the time while cleaning up.

One thing that I am thinking of doing in this room is having a few home guitar lessons. Now, I am still teaching at SFTA, that won't change. But, it might be interesting to see how I do on my own with just a few lessons. We'll see.

Injuries and App's

Today I found out I have 'trigger finger' - or rather 'trigger thumb'. Seriously, I'm not kidding. I went to the doctor today to find out what is wrong with my left thumb. You see, about 5 weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night to find that my thumb was snapping at the knuckle - it didn't move smoothly. At first I attributed it to sleeping on it. But, it stuck around for a while. Sometimes swelling up but with a pain that was getting slowly worse. The last few days were real bad. Awful pain trying to move it when I get up in the morning. No where could I find out what was causing it - not on the net, not at the chiroprator, nothing. However, my physician spotted it right away and knew what it was. He said he only sees this maybe once a year and usually with the index finger. I felt special! We still can't figure out how this happened. Very weird (no, not a Blackberry injury in case you were wondering). After talking through a few options we went with a cortisone shot that should help. In a few days I should notice improvement. Hope so.

By the way, in case anyone wants to apply for a job online at Enterprise Rent a Car, expect about a 45 minute process. There was soooo much to fill out yesterday! My dad used to work there and recommended it. There are like five sections to fill out. Then, when I was done with that, another two would come up. We'll see about this one, I am not sure if they can pay me enough come June. Not my ideal job but something to consider in the event things get scary in a month or so.

23 d.o.p.s

Mud on the wall

Only thing to reveal today is this: each and every day I vow to do at least one thing towards finding a new source of income: interview, send resume, fill out an application, call contacts, brainstorm with someone over new business ideas, etc. I think that by the time it comes to the end of April, that is at least 40 things done- most likely more. I think the odds are good of something taking shape. If God has shown me the way already, I need to open my eyes to see it. If He hasn't yet, I await His move...

Meanwhile, I keep throwing mud at the wall to see what sticks...

22 d.o.p.s.

Monkey

More stuff from the last couple days:

• Got the first interview on Monday. Hope it goes well. Reflecting on my past I realized that I never really did many interviews. Every job I got had one; I guess I don't remember any interviews that I had that I never got the job from. Maybe I didn't have any others? Or, maybe my memory is choosing to block them out! :) So here's hoping that I don't need many this time!
• I finally am starting up the turntable fun again. Yesterday I spun Queen's News of the World (We Will Rock You, etc.). One of my most favorite songs of all time (and definitely my most favorite Queen song) is on this album: "It's Late". Never heard it? Check it out sometime. Today I am going to put on the "UFO - Live" double LP. Their guitarist, Michael Schenker (brother of Rudolph from the Scorpions), was another one of those players that taught me how to play.
• Speaking of that turntable, it also doubles as a way to put to mp3's any cassettes I have. I have a list of all the bands I was in since the first one in 1978. And yes, I have recordings of most of them. I am continuing a process of converting selected songs from the past to mp3's. I did it several years ago but those CD's and mp3s got lost. So, it is a do-over. So far I have converted stuff from my past up to 1986. The early 80's are funny to listen to. I was so into impressing everyone with how fast I could play. It was way overdone. Sometimes I wanted to shout at the me from 25 years ago to "stop it!". By 1986, there are recordings were you could hear me finally getting it and focusing on melody. There is a time and place for speed but not all the time. That is why I could never listen to a lot of Yngwie in the 80's and Dragonforce today. To much speed gives me a headache!
• I was asked to fill in as a guitarist for one of Reign Man's gigs on April 12th! That will be fun. I guess my good friend Greg has a wedding to go to and this gig was too big to cancel. So, I will be him for a day! Learning all this stuff just gives me more of a burn to get in some kind of band in the future. The gig is at Leo's Bar and Grill (where the old Gonzo's was on 135th street in Romeoville). More info is on http://www.reignmanrocks.com/. One funny note about the guys I am jamming with: it is the entire band (less keys and brass) that went on the first mission trip to France back in 2005!
• There have been many things that I hear and know of regarding CCC. They need not get told here. Suffice it to say that the soap opera continues. Although I am still concerned about the public silence regarding everyone let go. I hope that they remember that they are still a church family and not a corporate entity. The rumbles through the constituency are growing. That can't be healthy.
• 21 days of public silence...

Have a great Easter everyone!

Stuff from the last couple days

Here are some tidbits on the last couple days:

• It's amazing how busy one can be when unemployed! Craig Hufford told me yesterday that searching for a full time job can be a full time job. On some of these days, that is soooo true! Yesterday definitely felt that way. I had meetings with a few people - all regarding pursuing the near future. I won't go into all the details but I feel much better regarding at least setting a direction. I am setting short and long term goals. I am anticipating following up on a couple leads that have popped up my way the last week or so. We will see how things develop. Hopefully an interview or two in the next week or so. One thing about a future job that is important to me is the environment that exists within it. How postitive and upbeat is it? How is it with regards to encouraging it's workforce to improve themselves and even think outside the box? How are their employees being treated?
• I am, at least for this semester, taking on more guitar lessons. Hopefully many on the waiting list will come on board. If any of you know of anyone (or maybe you?) who is interested, I am still going through school for the arts at CCC. Let them know. I have many spots available at the CAC. As far as summer and beyond, that will depend a lot on where I end up with employment.
• I had a funny reveleation during my lesson at 6:30 on Monday (with my "A" student, Mike). Well, I should say "bitterly" funny. You see he was the last lesson before I had my brief meeting at 7 on "black Monday" in that rehearsal room (when I was let go). Naturally during that lesson I wasn't thinking straight. However, we had planned on working on strumming to a Led Zepplin song that day, which we did. Last Monday was a follow up to that lesson and here was where we both got a bit weirded out. The song we were working on was "Ramble On". If you know the song, think of the lyrics and content. Then think of the next thing that happened after that lesson when I was let go. Now the song is really about leaving a girl. Despite that, the analogy is real close, it does center on "leaving". So, read some of this. Kind of weird with the timing:

Leaves are falling all around, its time I was on my way.

Thanks to you, I'm much obliged for such a pleasant stay.

But now its time for me to go, the autumn moon lights my way.

For now I smell the rain, and with it pain, and its headed my way.

Ah, sometimes I grow so tired, but I know Ive got one thing I got to do,

Ramble on, and nows the time, the time is now to sing my song.

Im goin round the world, I got to find my girl, on my way.

Ive been this way ten years to the day, ramble on,Gotta find the queen of all my dreams.

Got no time to for spreadin roots, the time has come to be gone.

And tho our health we drank a thousand times, it's time to ramble on.

There's more to it but you get the idea. It's all about leaving. Weird, huh?

• And one other thing, I had a GREAT time last Monday with the other 3 from the "Outta Here Club" (Sue, Sue, and Steve). We had lunch before our outplacement session at McKinley Group. It was great to talk to all of them and share our experiences and feelings. We had many similarities. To be honest, I felt so much better after that. The session was good. I won't talk the details but just to say that it was helpful.

Jonah and Me

Yesterday morning we didn't go to service. Now don't worry, we aren't falling away or anything! I felt that, based on last Sunday, and even last Wednesday's, experiences it would be actually a healthy thing to stay away. So the family just hung out at home. It was a little weird for me but I needed to stay away. The possiblility of coming back on Easter is there but we will see as time moves on. I occupied part of my Sunday morning reading and reflecting on the short story of Jonah. It served as a reminder to me to be listening for what God has in store for me next - and to follow it! I mean, I don't want to end up in a large fish! :)

No folks, still don't know what I am going to do. Although, it might be I just have to get the best full time job available instead of finding the perfect one and being picky. (does a perfect job even exist?). I haven't felt God leading me anywhere yet so I will have to be patient. It might have already come up but I haven't recognized it yet. Just pray that I keep my eyes open. I am still exporing long term oppotunities as well.

Keep praying for CCC. I see what has been happening since "Black Monday" (remember my perspective is from the outside looking in) and I am saddened by much of it - at least what is seen in the arts. Much of the progress that was made, at least where I was at, has almost single-handedly been eliminated, or at best reduced severely. It's almost like a regression to situations from 5-6 years ago. Situations that were fought hard to get rid of back then. Almost like Rome fell and now a period of dark ages has begun. Ok, maybe not that extreme but you get the point! It's just that it seems that the thinking (subconsciously maybe) was that much of the the multi-site model we operated on was a failure. At least, it seems that way from here on the outside. Each campus seems to now be functioning almost like a quasi-new thing church. You know what I think? It wasn't a failure! Far from it. The model works. What happened was that mistakes were made - many of them. The existing staff needs a clear direction. I hope the leadership is providing that and not just leaving it up to people to "just make it happen". While there can be a limited benefit in that, during this time of uncertainty, a clearer picture of the goals set would go a long way in reassurance and increase the quality of productivity. Here is hoping on this end that they can all recover and move in the right direction.

In a little while I am getting together with all of the others from CCC that got let go. We are having lunch and then going to this outplacement counseling place called McKinley Group. Frankly, I am more excited about the lunch. But, I will take whatever help I can get. One thing they do is help out with resumes. Yep, I need that!

Champs!

Richards High School: 2008 Class 4A Illinois State Basketball Champions!

What a great game last night. Go Bulldogs!!!

Resumes and Baseball

Resumes! I don't like this part. Necessary but, yuk! What makes it more challenging is that I realy need to tailor it for probably 3-4 different positions. God hasn't revealed to me yet which direction to go. Maybe it hasn't shown up yet. I am seriously fearing the 9-5 thing but maybe that is where He wants me to go? I like the idea of my own thing but is that where He wants me to go? Maybe a couple of part time gigs, but is that where He wants me to go. It's weird still not having anything yet. I know, it hasn't even been two weeks. I just sometimes get impatient - like now. Today, for example, I kept wanting to do more than I was (which was continue on the resume and check in on a couple minor leads). I am sure that I will look back and see that I did fine today.

It was good today to get outside with the baseball team. We have had a couple batting practices in the cages the last couple weeks. Today was nice enough to start some outside work. It felt good to get into at least one familiar routine. It will be interesting to see how this team does. I sure hope that I can continue to coach - pending the job outcome. That would totally stink if it got affected. Well, I will just have to keep up with it until the outcome is decided. And, just like last year, I will be giving the sports report for the Pony League Romeoville Cubs this spring.

Stay cool...

Aftermath

Whew, I am looking at last night's post. I came close to deleting it but I want it as a record of the journey. I did edit some lines out of it last night. It was originally a bit more rough than I would have liked! Me and God did talk last night. I guess I did most of the yelling! :) I can't tell you any amazing revelations from last night. However, this morning things feel a bit more clear on my end. I did discover that the church doesn't pay into unemployment insurance, so I am not eligible. To be honest, I'm not completely heartbroken. I never wanted the government to take care of me anyway - they can't even take care of themselves. Maybe I am becoming more Republican than I want to be - eeeeeewwww.

Today I start the resume. Then we start throwing mud at the wall and see what sticks (church and secular worlds). I do need some PT/or Temp stuff now though. Hopefully some of the leads I have will come through. But, you know what? Long term I really might want to find a niche that I can do my own thing in. I did ask God to help me with that. We'll see. Stay tuned.

Caution: this one is a little tough to read

Today I want to scream. I am angry today. I am teaching at the CAC tonight (I'm on break). For some reason I am having a hard time being here tonight. The whole environment. Knowing I am not an integral part of it anymore. Knowing that I was removed because of stupid money issues. The dream situation gone. I am really sick and tired of having my fate in the hands of others. Did I really have much value where I used to be? I hope this is just a phase. I'm sure it is. Tomorrow will prove better? I wonder what am I doing here at CCC. Why am I still hanging around. I know that a lot of people around here care deeply about myself and my family. I KNOW and FEEL that. It is the only thing that keeps me going with regards to sticking around. But, I don't know, it is really hard to hang around here right now. I just want to finish the last lesson and get the heck out of here. No one's fault today. Lessons are going ok. Maybe I am getting a little scared too. I mean, when the $ run out by the end of May, it could be a challenging adventure. The economy is rough. I am concerned for my family. Nothing else matters right now other than I want them to be cared for.

I think tonight me and God need to spend some extra time. I prefer listening but there might be more talking on my end. I really need to converse with Him.

So, I am angry today (can't you tell?). This blog is all about honesty. I hope you understand if you are bothering to read this. It's just where I am today. Please take it for what it is. We can have fun sometimes and, well, have days like today. I have to admit, it feels a little better when I can type this to the world!

Thanks.

A Play, A Service, A Painting

Friday night at the show was cool. It wasn't as bad for me to be there as I thought. Well, it could have been. I did walk into the YB, that was weird unto itself. However, my parents and Mary's mom were there as were the kids. There were some people that I wanted to talk to and that made it all the better. Plus, and this was the biggest help, I got a great card from Bill and Rachel. Man, talk about easing the situation. It was a Bat Mizphah card! (Bat is for a girl - funny). They didn't know what would be the proper card. It WAS the proper card! I laughed a long time while sitting in the theatre. The play was great. There were definitely strong performances and some weaker ones. My 3 favorites (in no particular order):

• Marred Bliss: This was the best Mary has ever been on the stage. Hands down. She is getting so much better each time I see her act. It is awesome to see her grow as an actress. I am so proud of her. But, spousal bias aside, it was still a very well done scene. Very funny moments. I understood one of the actors was quite sick. I never knew.
• Sue Me: The Bramletts (Eric and Kristi) are such pros. I have filmed the play Guys and Dolls before at some playhouses (plus like seeing the movie). Very enjoyable with the singing and quick, witty dialogue. It was like they were born for the part!
• Sure Thing: Tim Bakker was a stand in I hear? Wow. Very funny.

As an honorable mention was Love Letter. The material didn't wow me but the sheer power of Carrie and Elic Bramlett's acting/singing gifts made it very enjoyable to watch and listen. Yeah, those Bramletts are also such pros.

It would have been nice to have had mic's set up for some of the actors. Some of the lines from some actors were hard to hear. It could have been because the band got a little loud at times.

I found that it was easier to detach myself a little from the YB while there. I know I was hearing that some couldn't help thinking that they might have made a miss or two with their decision on some that were let go. Well, they all will have to do what they can. Not to be crass, but it's not my problem. I don't see myself in the YB anytime soon. Maybe even a long time - if at all. It wasn't until after I got home that I finally figured out what it was like: ever have one of those dreams where you end up back at a house where you used to live but it felt weird because you knew that you didn't belong there? Because you had already moved out? It was something like that. What was home wasn't home anymore. It was sad when I thought of it. But, that is already water under the bridge...

Sunday morning I went to service at 11am at Romeoville. I have to say that it was close to a game time decision. There are some that still say it was amazing I ever considering going. But, I did. Many of the gang there are like my family. And, I can say this looking back, for some reason I didn't have the feeling of being in a home I didn't belong. I can't explain it. I am glad now that I went but I almost left. All those emotions came rolling back ("Tito, I need a tissue..."). We sat towards the front but way off to the corner. Not many could really see we were there. I love so many of the people there. However, and this was the HARDEST part: Katrina broke down towards the end. She is really struggling hard with all this. She doesn't feel that she should be worship leading at Stuco anymore. I know a part of her is very angry with what happened to me. She is trying to find ways of dealing with it. I don't want her to stop serving. However, I am going to honor her decision, if that is what she sticks with. It breaks my heart to see that. See, this is one part of the afteraffects of what happens when you let someone like me go. Now, that makes be a bit more bitter when I see that. CCC means a lot to my kids and to see how it is affecting them!!! Well...know what, let's move on. I think I've ranted enough this past week. Alec is still excited about trying out to play bass. I am going to help him in any way that I can.

I am afraid that it will still be game time decisions for a while on whether to go on the next number of Sundays. I think playing is still a long ways off - if at all.

This coming week I am going to be meeting with various people to help out with me on a direction to go from here. I can say that it is a bit exciting in a way. It is an open book. Let me close with a picture that has been in my mind the last few days:

I am an artist standing before a blank, white canvas. I stand in front of it with a brush in my hand. A wide array of paint colors are off to my side. At this very moment, I have the brush held high. I look to those paint-colors. What will the the first color I choose? How will I start the painting? What will be the first brushstroke? For what I decide to create will be the next thing that God has set forth for me. He is the master artist. He will guide my hand...

Honoring Those Who are Gone

I want to take a time-out in my posting to acknowledge some people. As you know, there were a number of others let go from CCC. I haven't heard of all the names yet; I haven't read or heard of anything like this anywhere as of yet so I apologize if it has already been done and I am just repeating old information. However here are some people that I know of that got let go:

Sue Natiello
Sue Smith
Steve Brewer
Katrina Pelters
Chris Stell
A number of Kids City coordinators

I know that each and every one of them gave their love, time, and talents to the mission at CCC. I know that there were sacrifices they made to do what they did. ALL OF THEM had incredible gifts that CCC will miss. If it was like how I felt, it is like getting kicked out by your family. Yeah, it hurts. It sucks. But please know this from me, and I say it true to my heart, God does indeed have greater things for all of them coming up in their future.

I love all of you that I worked with. I hope for nothing but the best for all of you. It will be cool down the road to see where everyone ends up. Stay in touch!

If there were names missed, I apologize. It's just that I haven't heard of all of them yet. Please feel free to add them on (if you know of someone) if you feel compelled. Everyone should be honored with what they did. Please pray for all of them. I am sure that you all have anyway but keep it up!

Meanwhile, as for me, I pray for all of CCC. I am uncertain what to think right now of the direction it is going. It is too good of a place to fall apart. Pray for the leadership. I hope that hard lessons have been learned and processed; and that better things are in store for their future.

Saturday's Story

The last few days I have been virtually forced to take it easy due to this weird illness. It just keeps lingering with a sore throat and some coughing. I guess that if I had to get it, this is the time!

Today I feel like a corner is turning. To be honest I am just too weary to revisit the emotional crap of the last few days. So I have been quietly evaluating various directions to go from here. I have this small dry erase board in my studio that I used all the time when brainstorming various things for my "old job" at CCC. Now, it has a list of possible directions to go. Nothing of substance yet. I do know that I need to try and secure at least some kind of part time/temporary employment next week (beyond my current lessons). I hope that things don't go to a 9-5 due to desperation in finances - that would really suck. Wherever God sends me, I will go. Meanwhile, the time off of the last few days has been helpful.

I need to thank EVERYONE who has been supportive during this time. Man, it has been so amazing. Some true friends out here around my life. One prayer is to ensure that the friendships continue forever. Yeah, into that place we call the "next life". :) I can say, and I never thought I would think this, that my blog has been quite therapeutic.

Tonight, health permitting, I plan on returning to the Yellow Box to see Mary in the play. I am not sure what to think of how things might be. I am only interested in seeing the play and then going home. But, surprising things always tend to happen there! Tomorrow, we are going to 11am service at Romeoville as a family. That will be a big deal. Now, I can handle it I think. For a while that is probably where I will stay until, well, I don't know.

On a completely unrelated note (actually 2 unrelated notes):

As I type this in my basement it is amusing to listen to Alec working on songs upstairs with his bass. Know what band's songs he is figuring out today? Van Halen. Go figure.

Last Thursday I had another paid camera gig with my dad at Oak Lawn theatre. They put on what was perhaps the best show I have ever seen/heard over there. It was an older musical called "Thoroughly Modern Millie". Typically when I see these local shows you will almost always get good vocal leads and some decent acting. However, there are always those few who get parts who have the weak vocal lines or are not comfortable in certain acting situations. In this show, every vocalist was nothing short of outstanding. The acting was really, really good - particularly the comedic moments. Since I missed previewing the show the night before due to illness, I had to be careful not to miss the next lines in the show (due to laughing over a comedic moment, for example). During this time, it was great to enjoy such a show.

I'll check in tomorrow and let you know how it all went from tonight and tomorrow morning.

Something that really matters

Here are two recent mini stories of each of our kids about what really matters:

Katrina: After the tears were shed on Monday night at home between all of us, Kat and I stayed up. Her and I are more the night owls. Anyway, before going to bed she came up to me and gave me a big, long hug. She was naturally worried and concerned. But then she asked me to not stop playing at CCC just because I am mad. It was so real at that moment. But also comforting. I reassured her that mad has nothing to do with that. I will play again, I just need some space from it for now. Emotionally it could be a bit much. She was glad then. She loves it there so much. Man, that says so much about our church. Especially Kids City and STUCO. Hats off to those guys (whoever is left)!

Alec: On Saturday, just before that bad Monday, Alec went grocery shopping with me. That was odd, shopping ain't fun. Since I go to Trader Joes and Whole Foods, there is a lot of driving so we had a lot to talk about. Being a musician was on his mind at the time; so he was asking a lot of questions that I was more than happy to offer answers and suggestions to. Then he wanted me to know that he was listening to everything I was saying. He meant it. But then, after telling me how good of a musician he thinks I am, he had told me that he wants to be just like me when he grows up! How cool was that coming from my 13 year old son! I almost lost it. What dad doesn't want to hear something like that! But, as typical guys, we did a high five and moved on to the next thing (even though I was way moved inside!).

I am so thankful God gave these kids to the care of Mary and I! Things like this only make it the more precious.

Rock On

"and where do we go from here?"
"which is the way that's clear?"

Anyone know of that old 70's song "Rock On"? Well, I found the prettyest girl I ever seen over 20 years ago but those two lines apply in another way that I will explain in a moment. Yesterday I was sick for most of the day. In fact, after I had breakfast with Bill and Greg, by the time I got home I headed for bed. Except for, literally, a handful of minutes here and there to answer a phone call or two and send an email or two, I was out like a light all day and night with a 101 fever. It's like I get one of these every year: sick and out for an entire day and then it's over. Although, and this might sound weird at first, I think that getting sick was another one of God's ways of speaking to me. It slowed me down. To be honest, I didn't really think much about my situation yesterday. Everything just stopped.

All day Tuesday was an emotional whirlwind. Lows and highs. Yes, even highs. The outpouring of love and support was amazing. People willing to do what they can to help out. To offer just ear to listen. Some words of encouragement. Even to have a beer or two together. Even Bryan who is seeing what he can do with some employment where he is at: whether part-time, full time, or even temporary. I don't worry about my future. God is with me and my friends are all around me. How can things possibly fail? Not a chance!

So I think that the intense emotional ride on Tuesday must have contributed to my Wednesday sickness. How am I today? Better, as should be expected I suppose. There are still some things that got me a bit put off that I found out later. One in particular was that amongst the many that got affected, I was the only artist completely let go. That one made my heart sink. The only one gone. Yeah, some got their postions altered, some went to part time. You know what, if it came to part time, I would have taken it. Getting another PT would have been no big deal, maybe even take on a bunch of lessons. Mary's work has the benefits - which will be kicking in with us in May anyway - so that would have been no problem. I guess it was how things were handled that really got to me. Although we knew this stuff was coming, the silence my way was deafening. Almost like there was no question. To find out about being the only artist totally let go did kind of make it feel that what I did (and what I could do) seem of little value. I don't know if I will ever really know how that came about. I don't know if I will completely understand. I'm sure that the bitterness will fade - it actually is now. I don't like being bitter.

So, back to the song. As of today, I don't know where I am going or what to do. I really don't. There are paths I can explore. There are things I can do. At 45, I have to think about where I think I can be in 10-20 years. Short term, it wouldn't be bad to at least nab something part time. However, we need to make up the salary lost. I do have my Mechanical Engineering degree and about 15 years experience in it but, unless we think we are heading for the bread line, I have no desire to go there again. That would kill me. For a number of reasons, I want to keep us here where we are. That is priority but not an absolute. How to do that? You know I have thought that maybe a couple part time positions would work. Maybe one half of that would be expanding lessons (although that wouldn't be immediate - could be a problem in the short term). Bryan had some intriguing possibilities at Marquette (much due to my experience with Sharepoint which runs cccartists). Probably as a part time thing but definitely something to look into. Of course, to work at another church doing what I did would be awesome. That can be difficult though to stay here if something like that came up - where would it be? It would basically mean saying good bye to CCC. If a good position came up, that might have to happen. However, here is another thing that involves a move: with the housing market the way it is now, we could take a loss on the house by having to move. I would like to avoid it if at all possible. We'll see.

I haven't had much more come up on my radar just yet. This is only the third day. I have thought of doing something on my own but have no idea what it would be. My thought is that it might be to get anything short/mid term while still exploring something long term. For now, and for the next couple days however, I am going to take some advice I received from some friends who have been here before. That is to enjoy a few days off and get the emotions out of the way. Then get on it. Hard for me to do since I am not about doing nothing; I need to stay active. But I will heed the advice. However, if anyone out there has suggestions or even offers, let me know. I am open at the moment.

Rock on...
Rock on...

Joshua 1:9

I just saw this random daily bible verse on Mary's blog for today:

Joshua 1:9
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Ok God, I'm listening. Keep talking...

Down and out but not over

Today is a day of loss. I was let go at CCC after nearly 6 years. It was the greatest job of my life. Not even a job really but just something that was exciting and fun. In this post I want to express honesty, regardless of who reads it. Tonight I am immensely heartbroken, sad, a little scared about the near future with myself and my family. I know God has a future for me and knows it well. I need to hear from Him now. Maybe I am already. Perhaps then my ask would be to better understand what I am hearing. Our situation here was already a bit dicey on the financial end and now, well, with the economy the way it is, who knows? But, I am a survivor. I will get through it.

Sometimes now I ask myself, how did I get here? I remember the day I got the first phone call from Troy that involved a position at CCC. Right before that phone call was a low point in my career life. I was asking myself "is this all there is?". Then my life changed. Now, I feel like I was at the wrong place at the wrong time. I don't like to toot my own horn but I had so much to offer. Now it is gone. Sorry, their choice - their loss. Now, well, that talent goes elsewhere. But where? We have some interesting decisions to make. I am almost 46. This is different from the last time I was laid off some 16 years ago. Who could take me? Can I land something that will last a long time? Where will it be? What would it be? I have my kids to think of. Do we move and they lose their friends and all else they were a part of (including friends at CCC)? I promised them today that I will do all in my power to keep us here. Maybe not this house but in this area. Of course, with the housing market the way it is, how much of a loss would we take? There are so many questions running in my head right now. It just doesn't feel right me not being around CCC. I can't play there anytime in the near future. That would hurt way too much on an emotional level. I think that I just need time.

Mary, Katrina, Alec, and I need to stick together and get through this. Thanks to God that Mary has her job at Whole Foods. It doesn't pay a lot right now but I guess something is better than nothing. Once the severance runs out we should, hopefully, be able to switch to her benefits after just a couple weeks. Tonight, my family has been a huge support to me. I love them all so much. So have been my very close friends Greg and Bryan. There has been some great support from them tonight as well. One thing that the job loss can't take away are the friends I found and grew close to. I don't doubt that many of them will remain close in the years to come.

I won't lie and say that there is no bitterness. There is. More to the situation, not at anyone. How did it get this way? Why were certain things done the past year that didn't need to be done? There were many decisions that I questioned the past year or so. I won't go into the details here. There is no place for that. I am concerned for CCC's future. Dave says it will be ok. Well, some philosophies will definitely need to be altered or this will happen again - bad economy or not. Ok, enough.

And finally, to my friend Eric who had to dish out the news. I harbor no ill will towards him. He remains my friend. I am only mad at the criteria used to determine who goes. But, as with any separation, I need some distance from many at CCC right now. Meaning, my serving there has to go on hold for a while.

Rest assured that I know God is watching out for myself and my family. It may very well be that this could even end up a blessing in disguise. I know God will come through for us in a big way. I take much comfort in that. As we move through the upcoming days and weeks I will update here how things are going. I already have some feelers out (yeah, I don't waste time. You'll see, I will be back on my feet very soon. Anyone who would count me out would be quite foolish).

Thank you Lord for giving me a great opportunity and life-changing experience. I still continue to praise You through this time of sadness and grief. Let's now see what is around the corner...